Tuesday, October 25, 2011

How Can You Understand?

I am having such a hard time right now. I just want to throw things and yell and scream, but what will that do? It's not going to make me feel better nor will it help the situation that I'm stuck in. It'll only make me have to clean up and look like a crazy mad woman, which I already am so there's really no point in not doing what I want to do (yell, scream, kick someone's ass).

Now realizing how stupid I was for not hurrying and getting my internship done, I am stressing like no other. I am planning on graduating in May 2012 but have yet to do my internship. I can't do it in the summers and have been postponing it because I help my mom EVERY summer at the garden and selling veggies.

Ever since I have had plans in the summer I ALWAYS came home to help her, no matter where I left I always was there for her to rely on, even when I went to Upward Bound in another city 1 1/2 to 2 hours away, I managed to work on Saturdays for 5 hours and help her on Friday to rinse veggies, and sell early morning at the market and then head back to Upward Bound on Sunday, I did that for like 2-3 summers. Now I'm at University half an hour away and I can come back every summer to help her. I went to NZ and came back in time to help her, why can't anyone stay and help her when I need to be gone?

How come no one understands that? They only praise me for it but they aren't willing to do it themselves. They say they can't, or they don't have experience working so they have to work and not help her, WHAT? I did it all, I learned to manage it all. I'm not praising myself, I'm just saying why can't YOU DO IT TOO????????????

Being Hmong and being a Hmong girl, you have responsibilities. You learn that you have to be there in order to help your parents: cook, clean, feed the family, and be there to rely on. The Hmong men don't understand that, why? Because they have freedom, they can go and do whatever and not have to worry about their parents because they have their sisters to worry about their parents. Because they don't have the responsibility like we do, the heart to care and be considerate of others.

I am sitting here crying because you couldn't give me some encouragement on how I can do this, I can get an internship and help my mom. I can do it all like I have been my WHOLE LIFE.

Why is it that no one understands me? Just because I have been acting like I'm independent doesn't mean I don't need help or that I wouldn't like help.

Out of all my siblings I have been the one that has always been there for my parents and just about everyone, who's there for me?

Why is it that I feel so stressed when I leave my parents? I feel like no one is reliable?

Now I'm stressing on who's going to help my mom this summer, when I'm going to do my internship, and when I'm going to be able to graduate in order to help my mom pay for the bills.

Are there any words of encouragement out there for me? Who can I rely on?

God, if I can rely on you like I did the last time, I would be so happy and thankful! I feel like I have wronged you in so many ways and just keep on asking for more help, but I have no one to turn to, no one to help me cope with this insanity. My only excuse is stupidity and being human, one makes mistakes. Please help me overcome this huge obstacle course that is ahead of me. When this is all over, if ever, I will later look back and realize that you were holding my hand the whole time, then will I fully be able and accept and follow you full-heartedly! I know this sounds like a bargain, but I don't want to disappoint you.